The Morning Paper
[Temporarily] Suspended

My Apologies
I'm incredibly thoughtless and lazy.



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Thursday, May 29, 2003

Blushing Ambition

You know, I was just thinking about my history class of last semester. There was this kid in my class who's life ambition was to be a rock star. I scoffed at the idea (and was the only one who did) but now that I look back on it, it wasn't such a bad idea. I mean, just because he doesn't have the looks or the talent doesn't mean he can't aspire to be famous and swimming in pussy. He's got more direction in his life than I do. For that I admire him. As for me, I used to want to become a writer or go into a profession that involved writing, but then I realized I'm not creative enough and I suck at research. Then I though maybe I could be an English teacher but, who am I kidding, I hate being around people. With two years left of high school and with all these pre-requisites you need these days, I'm being forced to decide now. So, I've taken a career matchmaker quiz and here are some of the results and my responses:

1. Activist - Fighting for a good cause. Hmm, let's see, considering I don't care much about anything, this wouldn't be a good career move. Plus, it's so vague. "So, what do you do for a living?"
"Uh, I'm an activist"
"An.. act... wh.... what are you activating?"
2. Actor - I can barely talk to a person one-on-one let alone a shit load of people all at once.
3. Translator - What the hell other languages do I know fluently? Yeah, I'll translate from internet lingo to English.
4. Speech-Language Pathologist - What the hell?
5. Postal Clerk - Do people really want ME in charge of their mail? No.
6. Stenographer - You know those people you see in court rooms writing out every word witnesses and everyone else says? That's this job. Fuck, how satisfying.
7. Appraiser - Umm.. yeah.... I don't know the value of anything. Not even the value of a dollar.
8. Gerontologist - Puke, I hate old people.
9. Auctioneer - "Twenty-three, twenty-three. Do I hear twenty-four? Going…going…aw fuck it, I'm leaving."
10. Clergy - Shit man, that's awesome. I will be a clergywoman. How does one become a clergyperson though? And oh wait, I'm not very religious, if at all.

Well, I'm back to the start. I'm sick at looking at these damn occupations.

Tuesday, May 27, 2003

At the ballgame...
The most over-used sports metaphor - "out of your league"

First of all, I would like to know how this saying came to be. The baseball leagues are there to separate the levels of talent while being, socially, in someone's "league" has nothing to do with talent. I say it's a poor use of comparison unless when people say someone is "out of your league" they are referring to the quality of their uniforms.

Anyway, what I wanted to say it's unfair to automatically dismiss someone for their appearance. There's a situation going in my circle of friends involving someone who is average-looking liking a guy who is about as attractive as they get at our school (boy howdy! Is he ever!). He took one look at her and raised his nose. No surprises though, we all knew he was about as shallow as the puddles that are in my backyard (f.y.i. it hasn't rained in a couple days). But this girl is definately worthy of some type of affection, why should she suffer like this? "She should go for someone more in her 'league'", you say. Well, who is to say who's in or out of her league? And how is she supposed to know? I mean, I have no clue who is in my league but I think I have a clue who is out and vise versa. I know I don't deserve - appearance wise - Olivia's boyfriend, Andrew. And I could name a shit-load of ugly people that wouldn't deserve me, but no one would know them, on account of they're ugly - no one notices ugly people.

F.Y.I. this is Olivia's boyfriend.

Fuck, social status is confusing. I give up complaining about it.

Thursday, May 22, 2003

Top 5 Lists
This is what happens when I'm too lazy to think of anything else.

Top 5 Sexiest Things (according to Andrea)
1. Rock Stars... no no, Indie Rock Stars. Other rock stars have too many groupies. I don't like competition.
2. Cartoon Character Boxers. Oh yeah. What a turn on.
3. Bill Calahan's voice. Smog
4. Any accent other than North American or Asian.
5. Well-Dressed Bands. 'nuff said.

Top 5 Not Sexy Things (according to everyone)
1. Foot Fetish. Fuck man, those things are in shoes all day. Sweating.
2. Socks with Sandals.
3. Piercings where they don't belong.
4. Herpes. Genital and facial.
5. Pants so loose they drag the underwear down with it.

Top 5 Indie Bands
1. Modest Mouse
2. Smog
3. Dismemberment Plan
4. Pavement
5. Oh no, last one. Broken Social Scene

Top 5 Song Titles (from my mp3 list)
1. Don't Bomb When You're the Bomb
2. Expect the Worst Cos She's a Tourist
3. Dress Sexy At My Funeral
4. What Would You Do If I Shared My Umbrella With You
5. Get Balsamic Vinegar... Quick You Fool!

Top 5 Ways To Tell Someone Their Fly is Undone
1. Your fly is undone.
That's all I could think of.


Monday, May 19, 2003

1 Pot-Head, 2 Cops and a Shit-Load of Drunk 20-Year-Olds

So last night me and Olivia were going to go to Jon's house to get hammered. Andrew was supposed to drive us there, but he never showed up - so we walked there. By the time we got there (9:00), every last bit of booze was gone and they had used up all the fireworks. Andrew greets us with a nice, "I am so wasted. Woah. So wasted". Then he told us about how he and Brian were driving down Carlton at 140km/h (it's a 40 zone) and got pulled over. James was worried because he had a splif in his pocket but it turns out that Brian knew the cop and was let off. Anyway, so after hearing that story about 10 times, we were pissed (not in the way we wanted to be). We (Olivia, Andrew, Brian and myself) decided to go back to Olivia's to see if she had anything we could have there. Brian, being both stoned and hammered, was quite a handful and since Olivia and Andrew were to busy fondling each other, I was the one to take on the handful. He decided that walking with his eyes closed was much better than walking with his eyes open. Anyway, when we got around Beckers, we found Jon and Daniel stumbling around with 5 more fireworks in hand. Brian decided this was a good time to take a piss on a fence then wipe his hands on me - if only I had kept my mouth shut ("Great Brian, now where do you plan to wash your hands?"). So, Jon and Daniel headed back to Jon's house and we kept going to Olivia's. We called Olivia's house to see if her parents were back home, and guess what! They were! So we started walking through Carlton Park to get back to Jon's since we had no where else to go. Brian felt this was a good time to feel me up. I said to him, "God, Brian! At least wait until I'm drunk - give me that much dignity!". Apparently, guys don't understand when you subtly tell them to fuck off. So we gradually made our way back to Jon's occasionally slapping Brian, often pulling him out of oncoming traffic. When we finally get there, Jon's sister and her friends are all drunk and running around in bathing suits. Anyway, about half an hour through Pretty Woman, Brian decided it was time to light some more fireworks. It wasn't very good timing considering neighbors had just made complaints that kids were shooting fireworks at their houses. So there Brain was, holding a lit firework and around the corner comes the cops. They go "What the hell are you doing? Why are you shooting fireworks at houses?" and Brian said he wasn't - which was true. Then the cops walked into the house, looked at all the minors and said "Are you giving them any alcohol?" and Jon's sister said no and the cop left. They didn't charge us, which was no surprise to me, since they were drinking on private property and no one was shooting fireworks at houses. Not long after that, my dad came to the door and I went home sober.

Sober - what a horrible word on a weekend.

Sunday, May 18, 2003

Edit The Sad Parts
Modest Mouse

Sometimes all I really want to feel is love
Sometimes I'm angry that I feel so angry
Sometimes my feelings get in the way
Of what I really feel I needed to say
If you stand in a circle
Then you'll all have a back to bite
Back logged voices on the 7 wonders
We're all so funny but he's lost his joke now
A communication from the one lined joke
A stand up comic and a rock musician
Making so much noise you don't know when to listen
Why are you judging people so damn hard
You're taking your point of views a bit too far
I made my shoes shine with my coal
But my polish didn't shine the hole
If you stand in a circle
Then you'll all have a back to bite
Back long books on the 7 wonders
We're all so funny but he's lost his joke now
Our communications come from one lined joke
From stand up comics and a rock musicians
Making so much noise you don't know when to listen
Think it over
There's the air of the height of the highrollers
Think it over
You aint got nothing till ya know her

Friday, May 16, 2003

Ahh, it's me - and I look drunk.
I wasn't.

I wish I was now.
Friday night. All alone - except for the rest of my family. Sometimes I forget how unpopular I am. Thank God for moments like these to bring me back to reality.

That's what life is, though - a popularity contest. Don't smoke? You're forgotten. Don't drink? You're forgotten. Don't fuck the first slut you have a chance to be with? You're forgotten and accused of being a homosexual.

No wonder they say high school is the best time of your life.

Now I know you're all like "Fuck, way to make me feel like shit, Andrea - I come here to read about you point fun at people less fortunate than you." Don't worry - your trip across the internet will not be in vain.

Typical Popular People
1. The Dumb-As-Shit-Gonna-Marry-A-Rich-Man Girl

Hey, news flash, girl. Most rich guys are rich because they're smart and since they're smart they might want a woman who can carry a conversation that doesn't end up being about your new pair of shoes.
2. The Talentless-Jock

This guy sucks at academics and is even worse at sports. For some reason, he is determined to stick to sports. Most of this type don't make it past 30.
3. The Prep

This guy gets more pussy than you could believe. Those rugby shirts are just so charming... I can't say anything bad about them... sigh...

God damn, this is more work than I imagined.

I give up.

Wednesday, May 14, 2003

Our Generation...
Is fat as hell.

So I was walking past Berczy the other day, and the school yard was chock full of obese children. What have their parents been feeding them? It's ridiculous! They weigh more than me and they're half my size.

Anyway, in Food and Nutrition, we were watching this taped news special on tubby kids. They focused on this one boy who was 11 years old and weighed 190lbs. His mom wasn't any better - she looked like she could swallow the kid whole. They interviewed the kid and asked him what he usually eats in a day and he named off food I couldn't eat in a week. So, his parents were getting worried since he had a shit load of health problems that are usually seen only in adults so they sent him off to a fat camp. His mom was driving him there and about a kilometre before the camp site, they stop off at McDonalds for a "little snack" since the kid won't be eating until dinner. The kid orders like 3* McValue meals and his mom orders 5*. They must spend fucking $100 a week at McDonalds. Once they get to the camp site, the kid has to walk to his cabin and he barely makes it. It took him an hour before he caught his breath. After that, they have to take a swim test and the camera zooms in on all the tubby bellies. Fuck, these kids probably won't live through the day they've got so many problems. What's going on?

It's just sad how parents these days can't cook a decent meal for their kids so they take a drive down the block to Burger King. Sad, sad days...


Every parent should own this book... or else...

Tuesday, May 13, 2003

I enjoy eating humus...
Best. Dip. Ever.

As I sit here eating humus on crackers, I'm thinking, "Do I really seem that weird to people?" Is it so wrong to be a vegetarian wanna-be?

Anyway, that's not really what I wanted to talk about. A shit load of old people are always saying, "Children are our future". Hey fuckwad, if we're your future, why focus so much on the past in schools? Seriously, since grade 4, all I hear about in English is Shakespeare, Shakespeare, semi-colons. Sure, he did great things with words, but nothing that my peers and I can understand. Why not focus on modern playwrights - I'm sure there are plenty good plays out there (i.e. Mamma Mia) that even the dimmest person could understand (i.e. me).

Check it out, it's fucking Shakespeare man! He's a fucking giant... I mean that in every way possible.

Sunday, May 11, 2003

Percy... No, Robert....
Fuck, how about Perbert?

Let me tell you a story about a boy named... I'm not even sure. You see, he was born under the name Robert, then when he was about 5, he changed his name to Percy (like the train... you know, Thomas the Tank Engine). Just two years ago, he changed his name back to Rob. Anyway, he's turning 16 and is my cousin. He is one messed up kid. His mother made him take ballet lessons as a child and got both his ears peirced - he was the girl she's always had. His dad, my uncle once removed, is a fucking maniac. They used to have this really ugly dog named Eatmore and he was real slobbery and stank like the pits of hell but a nice dog. You see, the dog got slightly sick - a cold, you might say - and his dad fucking blew the dogs head off with a fucking gun! He thought he was putting poor Eatmore out of his misery. So, he went to jail for a couple years and I think my aunt divorced him at this time. Oh, another crazy story about him, when I was 6, I got a bee sting and I ran into the house crying and the psycho was there and he was like "Shit, we have to suck the poison out of it" and he grabs my hand and starts sucking where I got stung. It happened too fast for anyone to stop him, but I think I stopped crying at that moment to think "Who the fuck is this guy?". Anyway, back to the present day, my cousin's dad has been having rough times lately, so he's been blaming it on poor Perbert. He's been writing death threats to him and Perbert is all freaked out. He hasn't been to school in over a month and has only left the house once. Today, he just might step out again to visit my grandma with the rest of the family. His mom has been calling us day in - day out crying on the phone saying that he doesn't feel loved by us and that we should all give him hugs today. Oh, and he gets to make the lunch plans. His choice is subway. Eat fresh. Anyway, I feel sorry for the guy and all, but do I really have to hug him? He's a greaseball who worships Korn. Fuck!

Today should be interesting. I'll be sure to update you all.

Oh, and I think the message board hosting site is down... son of a bitch.

Friday, May 09, 2003

No, not the girly pre-teen store - though I could say an awful lot about that.

Most would think living with someone the majority of their/your life would help you get to know each other. The only thing it does is make you aware of every single bad habit they have (i.e. Catherine bites her toenails). I've known Elizabeth my entire life (16 years) and after all those years, I still know nothing about her. I just recently 'found out' she has a boyfriend and they have been going out for a month now. This is the first boyfriend I have heard of so I only assume he's her first. For all I know, she could have had 10, or 20, or 2 (you expected me to name a bigger number, didn't you?). I've known Catherine for her entire life (11 years) and only last summer did she tell me that she has been picked on for being a tad tubby. What do they know about me? Nothing that's a secret (except Catherine knows I'm donating all my organs when I die - she's the one who signed the card as my witness). Fuck, they don't even know I have this Blog (and you think you and your brother are bad, Greg).

Sibling relationships are a funny thing. There are moments where you can seem unbelievably close and other moments where you feel like they might as well be in Timbuktu. What it all comes down to is that the relationship sucks so much because it's forced upon you (yes, you specifically, not generally). It's not your choice - it just happens that way. Deal with it. I do.

It's all an act...

I'm sorry this doesn't add up to your standards of my blog but I pretty much did this to occupy time.
Since when are Friday's boring?

[Ew, sick dog, I found a Furries site while searching for that picture. Blech, I think I might puke.]

Wednesday, May 07, 2003

Sir Mix-A-Lot...
Created a new era of huge asses

Since the debut of "Baby Got Back" during the early '90's, women have been over-confident. You all ask me, "What's wrong with a woman being alright with their body image?" and I say that if it was just about people being satisified with their physical appearance, I wouldn't be typing this right now. No, what I'm talking about it HUGE women wearing tiny shorts or super tight jeans. We're all going, "Holy shit girl, what have you been eaten?" and they answer, all smug, "Guys like a little junk in the trunk, get outta ma face". It's way past junk in the trunk, lady, its fucking kitchen appliances in the trunk (i.e. a refigerator and all its contents).

“Hey nigger! Wanna date? Hey! What’s the matter? I thought you liked white women. What’s the matter? You can’t handle it? I’m too much for you? Hey! I’m talking to you! You want this or not? Hey? Hell-oooo!” Taken from ViceLand

So many women misunderstood the meaning of "big butts" that Mix was talking about - I think he just meant perky, not saggy and full of celulite. Fuck, being a bigger woman doesn't mean there's more of you to love, it means there's more of you to sufficate in.

Now, I realize I'm being awfully shallow, but face the music - the entire world is thinking the same thing, they just know how to hide it.

Tuesday, May 06, 2003

I can't think of a catchy subtopic.

A couple weeks ago, I had the misfortune of trying out the new McChicken McFajitas or whatever the Mcfuck they're called. First off, the claim "all white meat" wasn't too far off. The only thing in, it's so white you could blind an albino. It doesn't even taste like chicken. It's more like texturized bleached corn. Delicious. And seriously, the McVeggie McBurger is even worse. It's fucking cardboard with McPepper and McSalt in a Whole Wheat McBun. I think I've gotten carried away with the Mc-'s.

Have you ever wondered about the slogan "There's a little McDonald's in everyone"? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Is it pumping through my veins? Is it impossible to burn off the calories that everything on the menu is pumped full of? (Wow, who would have thought I could use 'pump' twice?) Holy shit, even their salad has over 200 calories. I'm hoping it's coming from the dressing, otherwise, what kind of lettuce are they using?

What about Ronald McDonald? What is with that fuckhead? I have reason to believe he is a child molester because no sane man would want to spend all his waking hours with other people's bratty children. And what kind of company wants a clown as their mascot?


Sunday, May 04, 2003

Angsty eh?
I'll show you who's angsty....

1. Their poetry sucks.The only way to relieve the stress of all their problems* is to write bad poetry. The worse the problem, the worse the poem.
Is this a cousin of the grim reaper?
The old ways may have been replaced by the new
Death can find you anyway
Even when you are lost in the world of cyberspace

2. They wear all black. It's uh... symbolism for... uh... I really don't know and I'm pretty sure they don't either.

3. Some believe they are vampires. You know what, maybe they are vampires. I mean, they don't suck blood, they can go out into daylight, they can eat garlic and probably lots of it, they aren't the living dead, but hey, they could still be vampires.

Basically, what I'm trying to prove is.... uh... ahem.

*Examples of so-called problems
- Their best friend got the bigger slice of cake at the gothic birthday party (stupid bitch has always had it better)
- Their mom bought the wrong type of deoderant (AGAIN!)
- No one understands them (they're so unique)

[Inspired by Greg's brother, who sounds hot]

Thursday, May 01, 2003

My Ankle's Bleeding...
...but I can't do a thing about that.

I have decided to update because I haven't in a horribly long time. Why? Because I'm highly unmotivated when no due dates are involved - even those don't keep me on the ball.

Speaking of balls, my Vice magazines are so awesome. I think you should all go down to Queen St. and pick up your own free copies. Yeah, free. Yeah, awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like so many people have said before - it has fucking everything! Nudity, swearing, rock n' roll, fashion do's and don't's (woah those apostrophes were hard to figure out), and comics. Man, it's amazing. AMAZING.