The Morning Paper
[Temporarily] Suspended

My Apologies
I'm incredibly thoughtless and lazy.



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Wednesday, October 29, 2003

Man tries to rob bank with bar of soap

Thursday 26th October 2000

A US man has failed in an attempt to rob a bank by pretending a bar of soap with wires sticking out of it was a bomb.

The drama started in Southfield, Michigan, as the man went to the drive-through window of the Comerica bank to demand money.

He put a bag containing the soap and a note demanding cash in a tray at the window and waited. But he realised his dreams of easy cash were washed up when the teller walked away from the window without noticing the bag.

Police said the cashier was unaware of the robbery attempt and the would-be robber simply drove off, frustrated.

Someone eventually discovered the wired-up substance in the bag and the Michigan State Police bomb squad were called in.

They cleared the bank, only to discover after an hour of examinations that the 'bomb' was just soap, reports the Detroit Free Press.

Tuesday, October 28, 2003


What is Pauly saying?

Post (in my comments) what YOU think should be in the speech bubble.

I will judge all entries and the best caption will be posted on my site. The winner will win my respect and possibly my love.

Contest ends on Monday!

UPDATE: Winner

Congratulations, Shem.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to contribute their wit.

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

Cleaner dumps £5k art

AN art gallery cleaner binned a £5,000 work by Damien Hirst because he mistook it for RUBBISH.

Emmanuel Asare spotted the pile of full ashtrays, beer bottles, cola tins, coffee cups and sweet wrappings — and thought it was leftovers from a party.

Which is exactly what it was. Hirst “created” the exhibit at a launch party for a showing of his paintings.

Emmanuel said: “As soon as I clapped eyes on it I sighed because there was so much mess.

“I didn’t think for a second that it was a work of art — it didn’t look much like art to me.

“So I cleared it all into bin-bags and dumped it.” Bosses at the trendy Eyesto’rm Gallery in London’s West End went wild when they arrived for work and found what had happened.

But luckily someone thought to look in the bin.

Staff dug out all the bits, then used photographs taken earlier to place the junk back in its rightful place.

The gallery decided not to tick off the £5-an-hour cleaner, but stuck a “keep off” sign on the art instead.

When told of the value of the junk, 54-year-old Emmanuel, gasped: “It’s worth £5,000? Oh my God.

“I’ll make sure I’m more careful next time.”

Hirst, 35, who shot to fame after pickling a sheep in formaldehyde, claimed the heap of rubbish represented his messy studio.

He said of the mistake: “It’s fantastic. Very funny.”

Sunday, October 19, 2003


Ha! Look what I found while rummaging through my basement. It was in one of those Math workbooks with reward stickers in the back.

It's possibly the creepiest thing I've ever seen.

Monday, October 13, 2003

Settle down, Old-Timer.

My grandmother is well into her 80's now. She's my only living grandparent, so it's hard for me to see how regular old people are supposed to act. You see the stereotypical senile fogey forgetting whether or not they turned off the cat or fed the oven portrayed in the media, but is that really what happens?

I like to tell myself that my Grandma isn't senile, she just ran out of stories to tell. Maybe she just wants to have interesting conversations. Maybe it's because she's lonely. She forgets to eat dinner because she has no one to cook for anymore. She tells the same stories over and over because she needs something to talk about to someone. She struggles to keep a conversation going because she knows eventually that person will leave.

Someday we'll all feel that desperation, I know. And it scares me.

Wednesday, October 08, 2003

Married couple haven't spoken for 57 years

October 6th, 2000

A Taiwanese couple who have had 10 children claim they haven't spoken to one another since they got married 57 years ago.

Lee Shih-Fa and Lee Yuan-Yang, both in their seventies, also claim their marriage has been happy - they are simply shy, they say.

The couple from Yuanshan also say their silence means they don't annoy each other - but their children think the situation is strange.

One of their sons told Chinese state TV: "We find it strange but we have managed to get used to it."

Lee Shih-Fa said: "We both just go about our own business in such a way that one does not annoy the other."

Monday, October 06, 2003

I don't answer the phone...

Well, not anymore. I just hate talking to my mother's friends. They're always pretending to be interested in me. In fact, the last time I answered the phone, Mrs. Carmichael asked what subjects I was taking in school then said "Oh, anthropology? Why are you taking that - Oh, well, next time I see you I would like to talk to you about that."

Have I met her before? If I have, she obviously wasn't important enough to me for me to remember.

Don't be an asshole and make me list all my electives - I don't want to talk to someone who is more than twice my age unless they are directly related to me.

Anyway, back to the phone. 95% of my telephone conversations are completely consist of small talk. It's so impersonal. It's like the verbal equivalent of a wave.

That's why I don't call people to "catch up".

Wednesday, October 01, 2003

Hic, this baby's a natural born criminal

August 30 2002

Warsaw - Beniamin Szczygiel may be a wide-eyed, nine-month-old with a toothless smile, but a Polish court has ruled the infant must pay a hefty fine for having stolen a lorry full of beer from a local wholesaler - before he was born, no less.

"My son is just beginning to crawl. He drinks milk, not beer," the child's bewildered mother told Poland's SuperExpress tabloid daily.

Beata Dankowska-Szczygiel recently received a thick wad of court documents ordering the payment of about R3 400.

According to court authorities in Dziezoniow, south-west Poland, Beniamin drove away from a local wholesaler with a lorry-load of beer without paying a cent in October last year.

But Beniamin was born in November, as the infant's grandmother pointed out to SuperExpress.

The incident has caused embarrassment all around, with court authorities admitting they did not check the personal data of the accused before rendering the payment order.

The owner of the wholesale shop has offered to keep little Beniamin supplied with special children's fruit juices in order to make up for any distress the family may have suffered from the absurd allegations, SuperExpress reports.